Did Henri Cartier-Bresson dislike his image 'boy with wine'
I’m currently sat here waiting for my tea to brew, contemplating what I am going to write about. For full effect of immersion and to experience the emotional headspace in which I find myself writing this post, to a conceptual reader: try listening to Antony and the Johnsons – Fistful of love. Or don’t, however listening to hardcore drum and bass will ensure that the feeling I am trying to share with you, is lost.
I told myself that I would start this blog three months ago. Its currently February of 2022 and these past two years have been nothing short of horrendous. All ability to be creative and think in a rational way has been squashed. I have recently finished my MA and after what has simultaneously seemed like the quickest and longest two years of my life, I am now in a space where I should be thinking about money. Not that I haven’t thought about money in the past, but money has never been at the forefront of my mind when it comes to making work. I am now studying for my teaching qualification and this blog post - or whatever you want to call it - could be a way to avoid doing one of my three four-thousand-word essays. Studying academically without direct focus on the photographic world is a very strange thing. I have recently found it very hard to think about even the idea of making work outside of my academic study. However, whenever I come to leave the house with my camera, I ask myself what am I doing? Where am I going to go?
I often find myself questioning why I want to make pictures. What could be so important about my interpretation/observations of the world, that others should pay attention. I suppose it’s because I am an ‘artist’ and I have trained to be an ‘artist’. That word, artist is a strange thing to claim to be. Based on the broad history of art. It puts me somewhere between Man Ray and that family member who makes handmade cards at Christmas. What is and what should be the motivation for sacrificing time, effort and money to produce metaphorical Christmas cards that are already available in masses?
Starting out in this strange world of trying to ‘find my voice’ as they say, is something that I have always struggled with. Every time I think I am making some progress with my standing and place within the field, I am reminded that I know nothing and that I have made nothing. I will be scrolling on Instagram, where inevitably anyone reading this would have been doing the same, and I will see an image that sets off a little shock in my brain. If I could only get to that place, produce an image like that, maybe then I would feel like I’m moving forward and not stood in the same place I was when I first started on this strange and costly expedition. Is it part of the process that you dislike all of the work you produce? I wonder if Henri Cartier-Bresson ended up disliking his image ‘boy with wine’ or if Dorothea Lange became fed up of looking at ‘migrant mother’.
I always hear and see quotes from photographers like ‘one good picture a year is a good year’. However, by that standing and thinking I shall be releasing my first zine in 2062 and it will contain 40 images of which 39 I will feel very little towards. This disliking of your own work is something which I have discussed with a lot of my friends and colleagues, most of which seem to feel the same way. So, it appears it is not something I or you should be worried about. We can only hope that one day it will all make sense and all the nights sat watching Instagram reels of people loading Leica m6’s and feeling that dreaded feeling of slobbery and uselessness will be gone.
I am going to try and refocus my thoughts and my writing as I’m sure you can tell, writing everything that comes to your brain is a strange way to undertake something like this. In my note’s app on my phone, I had headings such as, ‘How to come up with ideas’, ‘Taking time off’ and ‘Producing work is a long game’. However, for this first post, I just wanted to reiterate that if you are feeling that common feeling of self-doubt and panic that you will never make it or matter within the context of the photographic field or whatever area you find yourself. You are not alone. Or maybe you don’t feel like that at all and it is just me that feels like this. Either way, I hope that this gives you some comfort and if it hasn’t then I can only apologise for making you read this much.
I was going to end this blog post with a quote by a photographer who has made it or someone to inspire you. But It feels tacky and unnecessary to do this instead I am going to offer up my limited opinion. Send me your favourite images, I’m sure I will find them amazing, even if you don’t!